Source: Quora
According to Buddhism, how do you forgive someone who refuses to acknowledge they hurt you?
Buddhism says forgive thou enemies.
If you have been hurt for something, regardless of how you get hurt or regardless of who hurt you, it is because of your own karma. The karma is fair to the last drop hence if something happened or is happening to you, its a result of an action which you did just now or earlier in life. Best thing is to forget about who hurt you and think of why this happened to you.
Imagine you being scolded someone - let’s call that someone Person B. Now you are embarrassed and hurt because Person B scolded you, hence you cry. Now you understand what it feels to be scolded. Sometimes as a typical response, your mind will wish that the Person B should also get scolded, then and only then Person B will understand your situation.
So think for yourself now, if Person B gets scolded one day in a similar way the person B scolded you earlier and Person B happened to feel embarrassed and shy and eventually cry, is it fair or not? It is isn’t it?
Reality is similar. If something happened to you, know that you had done something similar to someone else hence the return, you get it the fair karma. Blame no one but yourself. It is hard to always think this way when you are hurt or heavily damaged as a result to someone else’s actions. But whether we like it or not, we have to admit it the truth behind why everything is happening to us (both good and bad)
If an individual understands this karmic law, it is very easy to forgive someone. For your reference I will post the cause and effect sutra roughly translated to English. It has examples of the effects which a cause will bring. .
Why in this life you have clothing in great variety?
Because you have donated warm clothing to monks in your previous life.
Because you have donated warm clothing to monks in your previous life.
Why in this life you have splendid food?
Because you have donated food to the poor in your previous life.
Because you have donated food to the poor in your previous life.
Why in this life you are starving and clothless?
Because you weretostingy to donate to charity in your previous life.
Because you weretostingy to donate to charity in your previous life.
Why in this life you have houses and building?
Because you have donated food to monasteries in your previous life.
Because you have donated food to monasteries in your previous life.
Why in this life you are prosperous and happy?
Because you have donated money to temples and public shelters in your previous life.
Because you have donated money to temples and public shelters in your previous life.
Why in this life you are pretty and handsome?
Because you respectfully offered flowers to the Buddha's altar in your previous life.
Because you respectfully offered flowers to the Buddha's altar in your previous life.
Why in this life you are so intelligent and wise?
Because you were a devout Buddhist and sober vegetarian in your previous life.
Because you were a devout Buddhist and sober vegetarian in your previous life.
Why in this life you are liked by others?
Because you have created good relationship with people in your previous life.
Because you have created good relationship with people in your previous life.
Why in this life husband and wife are faithful to each other?
Because you have decorated temples with scrolls and tapestries to Buddha in your previous life.
Because you have decorated temples with scrolls and tapestries to Buddha in your previous life.
Why in this life you both parents?
Because you have respected and helped the lonely in your previous life.
Because you have respected and helped the lonely in your previous life.
Why in this life you are an orphan?
Because you were a bird shooter in your previous life.
Because you were a bird shooter in your previous life.
Why in this life you have many children?
Because you have printed and distributed sutras in your previous life.
Because you have printed and distributed sutras in your previous life.
Why in this life a son dies young?
Because you have committed killing by drowning a baby girl in your previous life.
Because you have committed killing by drowning a baby girl in your previous life.
Why in this life you are heir less?
Because you have destroyed flowers habitually in your previous life.
Because you have destroyed flowers habitually in your previous life.
Why in this life you enjoy longevity and good health?
Because you set free sentient beings in your previous life.
Because you set free sentient beings in your previous life.
Why in this life you are short-lived?
Because you committed too many killings in your previous life.
Because you committed too many killings in your previous life.
Why in this life you have no spouse?
Because you have committed adultery in your previous life.
Because you have committed adultery in your previous life.
Why in this life you are a widow?
Because you have ill-treated your husband in your previous life.
Because you have ill-treated your husband in your previous life.
Why in this life you have clear and good-sighted eyes?
Because you donated oil to light up the Buddha's altar in your previous life.
Because you donated oil to light up the Buddha's altar in your previous life.
Why in this life you suffer from blindness?
Because you have distorted truth and misled others in your previous life.
Because you have distorted truth and misled others in your previous life.
Why in this life you have wry mouth?
Because you have intentionally blown out candles before Buddha's altar in your previous life.
Because you have intentionally blown out candles before Buddha's altar in your previous life.
Why in this life you are hunch back?
Because you jeered at Buddha's followers in your previous life.
Because you jeered at Buddha's followers in your previous life.
Why in this life you have disabled hands?
Because you have committed evils with your hands in your previous life.
Because you have committed evils with your hands in your previous life.
Why in this life you have lame legs?
Because you were a robber in your previous life.
Because you were a robber in your previous life.
Why in this life you are born as a horse or an ox?
Because you never paid your debts in your previous life
Because you never paid your debts in your previous life
Why in this life you are born as a pig or a dog?
Because you have deceived and harmed others in your previous life.
Because you have deceived and harmed others in your previous life.
Why in this life you suffer from constant illness?
Because you have offered meat to monks in your previous life.
Because you have offered meat to monks in your previous life.
Why in this life you are healthy?
Because you have offered medicine to cure the sick people in your previous life.
Because you have offered medicine to cure the sick people in your previous life.
Why in this life you are imprisoned?
Because you have relentlessly committed evils in your previous life.
Because you have relentlessly committed evils in your previous life.
Why in this life you are starved to death?
Because you have plugged snake pits and mouse holes in your previous life.
Because you have plugged snake pits and mouse holes in your previous life.
Why in this life you die of poison?
Because you have intentionally poisoned a river or water source in your previous life.
Because you have intentionally poisoned a river or water source in your previous life.
Why in this life you are forlorn and friendless?
Because you were unfaithful and deceitful to others in your previous life.
Because you were unfaithful and deceitful to others in your previous life.
Why in this life you are born as dwarf?
Because you have read and written sutra on the floor in your previous life.
Because you have read and written sutra on the floor in your previous life.
Why in this life you spew blood?
Because you have eaten meat while praying in your previous life.
Because you have eaten meat while praying in your previous life.
Why in this life you are deaf?
Because you have attended Buddhist' instructions with levity in your previous life.
Because you have attended Buddhist' instructions with levity in your previous life.
Why in this life you are afflicted with ulcers?
Because you have offered meat before the Buddha's altar in your previous life.
Because you have offered meat before the Buddha's altar in your previous life.
Why in this life you have bad body odor?
Because you have sold incense with dishonesty in your previous life.
Because you have sold incense with dishonesty in your previous life.
Why in this life you die by hanging yourself?
Because you hunted animals by using ropes and nets in your previous life.
Because you hunted animals by using ropes and nets in your previous life.
Why in this life you are bereft of a spouse?
Because you have been unduly envious and jealous in your previous life.
Because you have been unduly envious and jealous in your previous life.
Why in this life you are struck by lightning or burnt by fire?
Because you have committed dishonest trading with customers in your previous life.
Because you have committed dishonest trading with customers in your previous life.
Why in this life you are wounded by beasts or snakes?
Because you have created enemies in your previous life.
Because you have created enemies in your previous life.
Whether you reap or you sow, if you suffer in hell, blame yourself for what you did in your previous life.
If you in this life recite the Cause and Effect Sutra
You will be respected by many people in your next life.
You will be respected by many people in your next life.
If you in this life print and distribute the Cause and Effect Sutra free to all;
You will become a leader to humanity in your next life.
You will become a leader to humanity in your next life.
If you doubt that eating vegetarian is cultivating charity
Witness the happy and prosperous people around you.
Witness the happy and prosperous people around you.
It is good to cultivating giving to the Triple Gems;
You will be rewarded in return.
You will be rewarded in return.
If you carry the Cause and Effect Sutra;
You will be free from disaster and calamity.
You will be free from disaster and calamity.
Do not think that the Cause and Effect Sutra is fallacious;
It will manifest either immediately or later in your life.
It will manifest either immediately or later in your life.
If you spread the truth of the Cause and Effect Sutra
You will be wise and intelligent in your next life.
You will be wise and intelligent in your next life.
You are a Minister or an Officer in this life;
You gain the fruits because you cultivated pains in your previous life.
You gain the fruits because you cultivated pains in your previous life.
If you in this life insult the Cause and Effect Sutra;
You are no longer a human being in your next life.
You are no longer a human being in your next life.
If in this life you transcribe the Cause and Effect Sutra;
The generations will be smart scholars and live happily.
The generations will be smart scholars and live happily.
If you recite and act according to the Cause and Effect Sutra;
Whatever you do will be witnessed by the Buddhas and Bodhisattvas.
Whatever you do will be witnessed by the Buddhas and Bodhisattvas.
It is impossible to exhaust the speaking of the Law of Cause and Effect;
The fruit of a good deed will come in due course.
The fruit of a good deed will come in due course.
The good cause you have accomplished in your previous life will be the foundation of your good fortune.
The good cause you have accomplished in your previous life will be the foundation of your good fortune.
If you doubt the efficacy the Cause and Effect Sutra; see how Maugalyayana could save his mother from suffering.
The Cause and Effect must not be treated as small matter, The Buddha's words are truth, you must not slight
If people deeply believe in the Cause and Effect Sutra; this will bring them all together to the Pure Land of Ultimate Bliss.
What has their acknowledgement got to do with your forgiveness? You are looking for remorse? An apology?
There is the story of the two monks crossing a shallow stream. There is a pretty young lady that wishes to cross, but it would soil her pretty clothing. Monk A volunteers, picks her up, and carries her to the other side. The young lady thanks him graciously, and both parties go their separate way. In the meantime, monk B has been thinking, and fuming, and finally bursts out “How could you do that? We have taken vows of celibacy, yet you had your hands all over that woman, carrying her across.” Monk A: “Are you still carrying her? I dropped her off at this side of the stream.”
Forgiveness is for your benefit, not the other person’s. That being said, you would do well to arrange things so that they don’t have the opportunity to hurt.
I would like to quote German Philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer here, a man whose philosophy most closely resembled the Buddhist teachings :
Schopenhauer: "I should be inclined to lay down the following rule: When you come into contact with a man, no matter whom, do not attempt an objective appreciation of him according to his worth and dignity. Do not consider his bad will, or his narrow understanding and perverse ideas; as the former may easily lead you to hate and the latter to despise him; but fix your attention only upon his sufferings, his needs, his anxieties, his pains. Then you will always feel your kinship with him; you will sympathise with him; and instead of hatred or contempt you will experience the commiseration that alone is the peace to which the Gospel calls us. The way to keep down hatred and contempt is certainly not to look for a man's alleged 'dignity,' but, on the contrary, to regard him as an object of pity."
So herein lies the Buddhist answer to forgiveness. The person who has hurt you, look at the pain he was in when he decided to hurt you like that, the terrible suffering he was in.
Look at yourself now. Look at the terrible pain you are in when you have these harsh feelings against him - He had the very same feelings for you when he decided to hurt you like that. Learn to see that and you will be able to see him the same as how you are now - A being in great suffering and you will develop great pity, sympathy and compassion towards your aggressor.
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In the Buddha’s teachings, interdependence plays a major role: no phenomenon has a separate existence; everything is conditioned by everything else. This applies not only to things and beings, but also to all our deeds, be they actions of the body, the tongue, or the mind (including both thoughts and feelings). In the light of this teaching we realize that a person’s deeds are never fully his or hers. They are conditioned by many factors that have deep roots. A person who hurts someone may be influenced by their genetic make-up, inherited temperament, upbringing, education, health or financial struggles, societal and cultural norms, and so on and so forth.
When we realize this infinite inter-connectedness, we find it easier to move towards forgiveness. There is a popular saying that “there is a reason for everything.” That is a half-truth at best: in fact, there are myriad reasons for everything. This understanding can lead us to recognize that someone’s hurtful actions are not entirely of the individual’s making. Had we been subject to the same set of conditions, it is quite plausible that we would have acted in the same manner. By looking deeply into the conditioning and sufferings of the one who has hurt us, we can understand how these have shaped his or her action. Then we are ready to forgive whether or not the “offender” is able to acknowledge his wrong-doing. True forgiveness springs from within—from our own Buddha Nature; it is not dependent on external factors.
The well-known story of the fellow who sets off in his rowboat on a foggy morning may serve as an illustration: He rows along peacefully when suddenly another boat crashes into his. He is about to shout at the stupid person who should have been paying attention, when he notices that the other boat is empty. It had apparently come off its moorings and was drifting aimlessly, propelled only by the wind. No other “self” can be found to blame.
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According to Theravada Buddhism,
How annoyance with someone can be removed
Loving-kindness, Compassion, Onlooking equanimity can be maintained in being towards a person with whom you are annoyed.
The forgetting and ignoring of a person with whom you are annoyed can be practiced.
'This good person is owner of his deeds, heir to his deeds, his deeds are the womb from which he is born, his deeds are his kin for whom he is responsible, his deeds are his refuge, he is heir to his deeds, be they good or bad.' This too is how annoyance with him can be removed.
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In the Buddha’s teachings, you don’t forgive someone. You just acknowledge the hurt is due to causality and see it as it is. You don’t attach the event to a person as you don’t cling to the idea of Self.
If you don’t see that the hurting event is the person himself/herself, you don’t blame him/her. If you start off without blaming, there’s no need to forgive.
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